


I'm Sorry Channie

by PotterHeadHGDM



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Chan is really only mentioned, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, References to Depression, Sad, Sad Ending, Sad Yang Jeongin | I.N, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, chan is trying, jeongin is not ok, tw this whole book
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-28
Updated: 2019-09-28
Packaged: 2020-10-29 22:13:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20803805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PotterHeadHGDM/pseuds/PotterHeadHGDM
Summary: Over time, things had a habit of breaking.Flowers wilted, dust gathered on books that hadn’t been given enough attention, glass cracked from the constant strain of life.Jeongin knew he was far past broken, wilted, the dust had gathered on his back and now weighed him down like a load of bricks, and he had been cracked for a long time.





	I'm Sorry Channie

**Author's Note:**

> TW: this whole freaking story  
this is so angsty im sorry  
what am i supposed to say? i hope you enjoy?

Over time, things had a habit of breaking. 

Flowers wilted, dust gathered on books that hadn’t been given enough attention, glass cracked from the constant strain of life.

Jeongin knew he was far past broken, wilted, the dust had gathered on his back and now weighed him down like a load of bricks, and he had been cracked for a long time.

There was something wrong with analogies like these, in Jeongin’s opinion.

Broken things can be fixed, flowers can be replanted and groomed and the dust gathering on a book can be swept away if someone just took the time to open it and take a read every now and then, immerse themselves in that book and give it the attention it needs.

Glass, was a good analogy. Once glass was cracked, it could never be fixed.

Of course, there was always glue and tape, special glue even, though Jeongin couldn’t remember the name, was made for fixing glass, just pour a bit over the crack and presto, good as new, holds up.

However, with things like that it wasn’t that easy.

The glue wouldn’t last as long as the glass would if it was never cracked, and it didn’t fix the crack, just simply covered it, hid it as if the glass wasn’t about to come crashing down under the smallest amount of pressure.

Bang Chan thought he could fix glass.

The Australian was one of those people who could never see the bad in the world, no matter how bad it got. he believed Jeongin could be saved, fixed with the right amount of love and joy and maybe, maybe if he was always around, Jeongin wouldn’t always feel so lonely.

Chan was naïve, in Jeongin’s opinion.

He didn’t understand the concept of the misery Jeongin lived in, the depression and constant anxiety and sadness.

Of course, he knew about it, he knew Jeongin was broken and wilted and dust covered and cracked.

Jeongin appreciated him more than anyone or anything in the cruel world, he wanted to say he loved the older, but he wasn’t sure what love felt like, so he could never tell if it was that mixed emotion where butterflies flew in your stomach and you immediately perked up, or if that was just the meds he had to take to stop himself going crazy.

In Chan’s mind, Jeongin was a puzzle, his job was to place the pieces back together to create a beautiful picture that he could keep with him forever, one that would stay together until someone came and broke it apart.

Chan didn’t seem to be aware that you couldn’t put a puzzle together that didn’t have all the pieces.

Jeongin liked to think he was an alright human being, however he knew he was not. Normal human beings wouldn’t fake almost every emotion that they showed, normal people wouldn’t fake sadness when their own parents passed.

A long time ago, Jeongin would’ve called himself a dreamer, he had this small- barely there- spark of hope that settled right in his heart, a fire that didn’t burn out, that kept him going, it was okay, no matter how much he was hurt, no matter how many people left him, no matter how many tears he shed, one day, it would all get better.

Winds of cruelty blew the flame out like a birthday candle, and just like that, that side of Jeongin was buried far away now, under the layers of abuse, depression and everything in between, a planet amongst the solar system of loneliness and anger, hurt and pain.

There was only one star in that galaxy, one person that lit up his dimly lit room of a heart, and that was Chan.

This analogy was also dumb, as Jeongin knew stars were merely bundles of burning hot gas, but he would use it anyway.

Unfortunately, despite caring for Chan so much, Jeongin was too far gone to ever be fixed, or glued or loved more to the point where he was better, where he wasn’t the way he was and he could marry his boyfriend and they could have a family and he could love his kids because he finally loved himself.

To love yourself, Jeongin never knew the feeling.

Ever since he was young he knew he wasn’t supposed to be born, not like this anyways, avoid of all emotion and constantly wanting to just crawl up inside of himself and cry.

he hadn’t always been like this, but life caught up.

This day had always been coming, he thought, since the day he turned fourteen and everyone forgot his birthday, and he looked out into the street and wondered what if would be like to just run into it and be hit and never have to deal with anything ever again.

There was no preventing what was coming, it had been coming his whole life and he had never been able to stop the feelings as the day approached faster and faster.

In some way, he blamed it on Chan.

The ever so positive boy, making him feel thigs, making him almost happy with life, to the point where he stopped his meds because oh my god he was better! He could live a normal life and-

It lasted three days before he had an episode.

Chan stayed with him the entire time but it didn’t fix it, it didn’t make it better, Jeongin always wondered why Chan wouldn’t just leave him alone, it was how he had been his whole life, lonely, it was how he was meant to be.

Why did Chan have to see something in him? Why did Chan have to care? Why couldn’t he have just made this easy?

The blade was cold as he pressed his finger to the edge, slicing just slightly and watching the blood drip down his hand.

He had a feeling in a few minutes he wouldn’t care how cold the blade was, he didn’t care about much at that point.

That was the thing though, he did care about some things, he cared about Chan so much he had the heart to do it on the roof of their apartment, so Chan wouldn’t have to remember him every time he walked inside the place he had made their home.

Jeongin never had a home.

Now he was thinking about it, maybe he should’ve written a note, something to tell all his feelings to Chan.

However, it was too late now, and Chan had never really understood anyway.

As the cool metal pressed against his wrist, Jeongin took a deep breath, his last words coming out cracked and broken, like him.

“I’m sorry Channie.”

His world finally plunged into the darkness he had longed for, for so long.


End file.
